It’s been 6 months. Some ways I’ve made it through:
- Wore black for 40 days
- Made an altar for you
- Put crystals in my bra
- Kept a candle lit whenever I was home
- Left your bags in my car
- Took grief herbs
- Ate nothing
- Avoided your name
- Cleaned my room
- Cleared out my closet
- Got my nails done
- Styled my hair
- Planned your funeral
- Cried
- Broke
- Slept with a makeshift rosary in my hand
- Slept with my ex
- Pretended I was fine
- Refused to pretend I was fine
- Hated anyone who expected me to be fine
- Wore my pajamas to appointments
- Took my meds
- Stopped taking my meds
- Took my vitamins
- Ate only Taco Bell
- Wrote poems
- Treated grief like a vocation
- Hid
- Made crafts out of tiny beads
- Spent hours organizing tiny beads by color
- Spray painted everything
- Sent care packages
- Accepted money raised on my behalf
- Took your altar down
- Took your bag out of my car
- Hid everything you ever touched in the garage
- Read the Book of Solace
- Turned lipstick into a public grief ritual
- Wore your lipstick
- Carried your purse
- Said your name everyday
- Cursed you
- Hated you
- Went numb
- Obsessively organized my life
- Only spent time with people who knew you
- Refused to spend time with people who knew you
- Rewatched all of Grey’s Anatomy
- Ate BBQ for the first time in 15 years
- Bought new lingerie
- Helped plan your memorial
- Wrote you a eulogy
- Looked at your photos
- Refused to look at your photos
- Looked after the people who loved you
- Refused to change my nail color
- Went cold inside
- Was consumed with fury
- Quit my jobs
- Made an altar to myself
- Read poetry every morning
- Bought new dresses
- Fell in love
- Found joy again
- Went home
- Drove aimlessly for hours
- Listened to grieving music
- Sobbed under an Ohio moon
- Made so much lasagna
- Brought food to people grieving other losses
- Wrote for you
- Put you back on my altar
- Set out a bowl of water to bless myself each morning
- Wore your scarf everyday
- Started praying for others
- Went to Spiritual Direction
- Took baths
- Tried to forget you
- Hugged your Mother
- Joked with your Brother
- Listened to country music
- Hated the Dixie Chicks
- Hung photos of people who love me
- Wrote a list of joyful things
- Stayed up till 5am watching music videos
- Made epic playlists for Femmes
- Ate so much sugar
- Cried while watching one of your favorite shows
- Let myself feel haunted by death
- Collected grief stories from others
- Let myself feel fully alive
- Stopped listening to grieving music
- Told the story of how we met
- Lit a candle on All Saints Day
- Opened my home
- Opened my windows
- Kept crying
- Missed you
- Remembered you
- Allowed myself to love you
Femminary 